I’m looking at the typical Amsterdam rooftops. They are at our height. We are standing on a balcony at a friends place in the Jordaan. It’s dark. Even though 2012 is still half an hour away, colourful fireworks are exploding right between two of the triangular shapes pointing at the sky. There would be no better place for me to be than here.
Behind me, one of my best and oldest friends, Alex explains to his old Capoeira teacher how knowing he has MS has made him feel in the last few months. Tears in my eyes reshape the sparks of light in the air, but I don’t allow myself to burst. Alex seems to deal with it better than I do. Or maybe that’s appearance. We heaven’t really discussed the theme yet. Guess I was afraid. “Why do they shoot the fireworks already before 12?” Asks an Italian artist I was talking with earlier. “They can not hold themselves.” I say.
At twelve, the company climbs on the roof. What were just a few arrows before has turned into an ongoing “ka-ta-ba-ka-ra-ka-ka-ta-ra-ka-ta”. We happy-new-year, hug and drink Champaign. I think about my decision of earlier today to write a weekly blog. It seems like I have finally accepted that next to all those things I can and want to become, a writer is what I am. It’s a therapy. Whether I do it as a job or for myself, I just need to write. “This is even worse than in Napoli” yells the Italian. I laugh inside. After we go down from the roof, the Champaign transforms my awareness into a collection of blurry shortcuts in my brain. I will soon turn into a problem.
Whenever I’ve been too drunk, people explain me afterwards that I got trapped in my own world. They describe the symptoms of a psychosis. I seem to think I know everything without being understood, but in fact I project my own thoughts and feelings upon others. A clash within my own character and with anyone who comes too close. Tonight, I’ll put Alex to the test. Say nasty things to him. Cry. Annoy the hosts. And I will have to hear it from him over the phone: my memory does not allow me back.
I have known a darker part of me, and I have feared it’s power for long. In this blog, I will take you along on a journey to the depths of me. I’ll try to be transparent. As I don’t always dare to see the truth in things, I will not always be able to. Yet I promise to give it my best shot.