“Weren’t you on the shamanic path?” it’s Luke who asks. The way he frames it scares me. I answer something about how strong emotions teach me. The question brings up something I forgot.
Exactly one year ago, I openly made the promise to go out and explore my inner self. I promised to take you, reader, along. When I said the depths of myself, I meant the depths of reality. I wanted to learn to write the sky down to the ground. Learn to drop the pen in peace. Now, one year later, were do I stand? I feel as if I did not move. The opposite, in fact. I feel as if I got more stuck. Is it the age? I’m twenty seven. This past year I learned about the quarter life crisis.
I object to the concept of a sudden transition between 2012 and 2013 in the same way as I object to borders between countries or beliefs. I object to any kind of border, really. Even so, I find myself back one year after I have made a promise. I find myself in a year that I once expected to reach in a completely different way.
Once again, Alex was present during the switch which was once again accompanied by fireworks, Amsterdam rooftops and Champaign. Alex stood at the source of my spiritual awakening. In fact, there was a time when I considered myself a quite advanced spiritual being. Not anymore. Or maybe a bit. It was during this time also, that I learned about December 21st, 2012. The day has passed. The year has passed. Hopes have changed.
I cannot come back to Luke until the party ends. “I did not give you the complete answer. It’s because it was off my mind. But you reminded me of something. Thanks for posing the question.” The urge did not fade. I wish I know the way. More digging to be done.