How to survive a Vegan Challenge

Did you take a look at the picture? Suppose that didn’t make it easier? Hope you weren’t hungry. Otherwise, just remind yourself of how unhealthy hamburgers are. Or just go buy one. Anyhow, if you’re doing a vegan challenge or plan to do one, here’s how to survive it.

Don’t do the challenge between Carnival and Easter
Jesus did a 40 day ‘no-food or drinks challenge in the desert’, right? And that’s what Christians relive between Carnival and Easter, so there should be 40 days between Carnival and Easter, right? Wrong. It turns out that Christians can take a break from their fasting every sunday, and since there are 6 sundays between carnival and easter, doing your challenge during that period makes it a 46 day challenge. That means Christians are pussies if you compare them to, for example, Muslims. Or to me. Also: February is the most depressing month and omitting cheese and meat from your diet at that moment makes it even worse. So if you’re a diehard, do it, otherwise pick 30 or 40 days during another period of the year. Summer, for example, when you can live on light.

Eat bird food
If you don’t eat the actual birds, do make sure you eat their food, or you’ll run out of content. Chia seeds, wolfberries and hempseeds are some very good examples of bird foods that appear to be quite nutritious. The best way to eat them is in yoghurt. Not real yoghurt of course, that’s made from milk. You can buy or make soy yoghurt. Do leave some seeds for the birds, or you convert their quick and painless death into an everlasting time of agony and starvation. But you probably will, leave them some, because they’re not particularly nice. Except if you add honey. Then they taste like honey. And don’t even start on how honey is unvegan.

Soy up
I visited a vegan foodplace for the occasion. Want to know what I saw in the kitchen? Pallets full of soymilk. I swear. Okay one pallet full, but still, there was a tower of packages on it. Whether it’s the vegan hamburgers, the carrot cake or the cappuccino, everything has soy in it. So you’d better get used to soy if you’re going for the challenge. Or start a mungbean juice revolution. Seriously.

Swich to supplements
Going vegan, I ran out of fuel quite quickly, and my uncle still had one of those baskets of protein supplements made of, you guessed it, soy. That helped. Later I ran out of fuel again, and my mom happened to have some B-12 pills. That helped too. Of course I don’t know if they were placebos, but they gave me courage, and will do the same for you. So go ahead and back yourself up. Nobody said you had to hurt yourself.

Don’t go to Spain
Here’s what you’ll miss. Calamares. Fuet. Tortilla con Patatas. Jamon Iberico, Boquerones. Patatas bravas. Empanadas. Lomo saltado. Chorizo. Horchata. Paella. Any tapas. Sepia. Pannekoekens by your cousin (don’t ask). Chocolate mousse. Bacalao.

Be creative
Since I’m the type of person who wants to find out everything for himself, I wasn’t inclined to visit any blogs of foodies or the instagram pictures of yoga girls, and instead did a few inventions. I would highly advise you to do the same, because this is how you truly break your own behavioural patterns and bring some care back into the kitchen (which, I believe, is the real reason why people are vegan). If you want to ignore that advise and would rather be told what to do, here’s what you should do: 1) make a mustard based dressing and add it to your pizza and all other dishes. 2) eat sorbet. 3) steam onion to the core, and eat it on proper bread with some oil, salt and pepper. 4) deep fry tofu. 5) use indian curries, but check the E-numbers. 6) make soy yoghurt for your bird food and steamed onions. 7) did I ever mention broccoli? Eat broccoli. 8) use Saffron for bouillon in your stew.

Don’t eat mushrooms
They’re basically water in a coat. Okay, eat them for the taste or if you want to hallucinate for that matter, but don’t expect anything else back. Eat nuts instead. Or go nuts. Your choice. Oh by the way, this also applies to celery.

Look forward to the compliments
Indeed, if you present your non-meat-or-diary diet to your friends as a vegan challenge, which is recommendable because it is the decisive argument to end them from bothering you with their paradoxical morales, they will appreciate your heroïsm. They will even congratulate you with it when you’re done. And that’s what you do it for, is it not? Precizely. Live towards it.

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2 thoughts on “How to survive a Vegan Challenge”

  1. ah! you’re still alive. 😛 congratz.

    i must add to the ‘bird food’ category, quinoa which is high in protein and was considered by NASA to be a potentially vital crop for space colonies 🙂

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