The machine says “beep”. A green light. That means I can enter the Tropenmuseum. I think I was five when I first entered here with my mom, sister, grandpa and grandma. Back then, there was no machine to tell us “beep”. There was a lady who’d rip our ticket apart with a smile, and wish us a nice time in the museum. I’m bigger now. Twenty six. Still financially dependent on my parents. With a bit more taste for art than before. Here alone.
This is one of the few places where I used to bond with my grandpa. I presume that the wide choice of interactive computer animations was not here then. I use it now to send an E-love-letter. I am very entertained. There is an exposition about death. It is called death is alive. The exposition is in a great hall, about three floors high. It is marked out by enormous black curtains. Within these curtains, objects of many cultures are laid out, all with reference to death. There are videos of people from different faiths who – when you touch the screen – tell the camera what they believe to encounter after they die. I like the Buddhist and the Islamic lady in particular. I’m very attracted to death. I dare say that it’s one of the things that inspire me most. I believe that in this life, I have traveled to death world, and that there is nothing strange or scary about that. Death has a serene intimacy about it. People’s relation to death reveals who they really are. You can not hide from death. That is why I sometimes believe that in death lies more life than in the masked theaters that casual existence can bring upon us.
“It would be a pity if all this disappeared” I hear a woman say. She refers to the choice of the government to stop subsidizing this embodied reminder of our colonial past. I picture how all these artifacts – I especially like the big, simple, earthly coloured New Guinean masks – disappear into dark cellars in Amsterdam. Or that they are sold. Maybe we should give them back to the original owners. But the lady is right. Even if it is unnatural to have so many objects from all the corners of the world gathered and exposed in one building somewhere in a rich country, this constellation gives the separate objects an added value. The collection triggers our imagination to go on a worldwide adventure for just a few hours. Without mosquito bites. Not to speak of the latent memories of so many Dutch people who have visited this place after it’s opening in the 1950′s. It’d be a pity indeed.
“What’s your name by the way?” I ask it to a homeless man. He’s not quite homeless, he has a little room somewhere, but he sells the journal of the homeless every day at the Albert Heijn in my neighbourhood. “Paul” we shake hands. Paul has blue eyes and a grey beard. He always wears a black coat, a black marine-like hat, a light blue scarf and a few silver coloured necklaces, one of which pentagram shaped.
“I am looking for a job”. I say. In this new year I have got a bit nervous about my employment situation. I always believed I’d find one instantly because I speak some languages, have two master diplomas and did a lot on the side. Alas! It turns out that I have done so many different things that employers fail to see the coherence in my CV in the same way as I do. There is no single job I was made for, but it seems like they can choose the specialists they need. A battle that I, as a nature conservationist, am bound to lose in these times. “Just do something”. Says Paul. “I don’t ask people if they please allow me to stand here so that I can play my harmonica. I just do it.” There is a spark in his eyes while he smiles. “You don’t need people to judge you and ask for their permission to do something. If you want you just sit over there with a pallet and start drawing. And if someone passes by who thinks it’s good, you sell him the picture. You are old enough to know what you’re good at, just go and do it. Mother Theresa didn’t ask anyone if she could squat a house. She just thought : here’s a house, and these people need a house. And she gave the people the house.”
An awkward silence. This isn’t the answer I expected. I just wanted to show him some sympathy. Yet as it turns out, he didn’t need any. Now I feel accused of not doing what I want to do. I want to contest, but I can’t. Instead I look at him with a questioning half-smile. He caught me in the truth.
“Ok, well, I gotta go, I’m going to cook for a friend” I say. On the way out of the shop I give him a leaf of fresh basel. He loves the smell.
I’m looking at the typical Amsterdam rooftops. They are at our height. We are standing on a balcony at a friends place in the Jordaan. It’s dark. Even though 2012 is still half an hour away, colourful fireworks are exploding right between two of the triangular shapes pointing at the sky. There would be no better place for me to be than here.
Behind me, one of my best and oldest friends, Alex explains to his old Capoeira teacher how knowing he has MS has made him feel in the last few months. Tears in my eyes reshape the sparks of light in the air, but I don’t allow myself to burst. Alex seems to deal with it better than I do. Or maybe that’s appearance. We heaven’t really discussed the theme yet. Guess I was afraid. “Why do they shoot the fireworks already before 12?” Asks an Italian artist I was talking with earlier. “They can not hold themselves.” I say.
At twelve, the company climbs on the roof. What were just a few arrows before has turned into an ongoing “ka-ta-ba-ka-ra-ka-ka-ta-ra-ka-ta”. We happy-new-year, hug and drink Champaign. I think about my decision of earlier today to write a weekly blog. It seems like I have finally accepted that next to all those things I can and want to become, a writer is what I am. It’s a therapy. Whether I do it as a job or for myself, I just need to write. “This is even worse than in Napoli” yells the Italian. I laugh inside. After we go down from the roof, the Champaign transforms my awareness into a collection of blurry shortcuts in my brain. I will soon turn into a problem.
Whenever I’ve been too drunk, people explain me afterwards that I got trapped in my own world. They describe the symptoms of a psychosis. I seem to think I know everything without being understood, but in fact I project my own thoughts and feelings upon others. A clash within my own character and with anyone who comes too close. Tonight, I’ll put Alex to the test. Say nasty things to him. Cry. Annoy the hosts. And I will have to hear it from him over the phone: my memory does not allow me back.
I have known a darker part of me, and I have feared it’s power for long. In this blog, I will take you along on a journey to the depths of me. I’ll try to be transparent. As I don’t always dare to see the truth in things, I will not always be able to. Yet I promise to give it my best shot.
When you’re sailing on dreams, there are no rules. No laws. Just dreams to obey. There is no time. Everything joint. But that does not mean you can always join the breeze. There are puzzles to be solved, to wander the untold.
But watch out! Nothing is what it seems, when you’re sailing on dreams. To live in danger may be safer than was taught. There are no lessons. No fathers or sons or brothers, nor a girl or a boy. No leaders or crowd, but the sailors of dreams. Dreams are not easy to sail. When you think you do, you are far from it. And when you do sail a dream, you are closer to the black abyss than believed is healthy for you. Hold on to a dream and you crash. If you let go, you drown. There is no good way to sail on a dream. Drowning is common for sailors of dreams. And burning. Being shot in the face. Poisoned. Crushed under rocks. We lose everything all the time.
Imagine how big your children’s children’s children are now. Little gates to an enormous world. We need a telescope to see that from here. Fireworks of inflated worries burst a sailor’s dream. Trees’ roots grow into it’s skull and become a pulsing brain. Up, up, up.
Catch a dream and it catches you. Zins you in your sleep. Kins you in your creep. Watch out! Or it bins you in your deep. Know where you go, when you’re sailing on dreams, or the slow of the flow will take all that you know.