Tag Archives: Focus

Small world

As I walk home from my expedition to the grocery store, I wonder what I’ll write about today: it’s friday after all. It will not be superfoods. Even if I have been wanting to tear down the growing Dutch collective health obsession for a while now, and the timing would be perfect given the massive social media reaction to the government advise not to blindly trust such products, I won’t do it today. The whole thought of it exhausts me. Another time, perhaps.

I might write about this little walk on a sunny day instead, and about how much I don’t mind that the climate is losing it. It’s beautiful. I love this broad, square-like street leading to my front door. Our building isn’t mother’s finest, and the construction sites around mess it up quite a lot, but it’s home for me. Besides, the sky will always be here to give me the space I need. No, let’s not write about that.

Shouldn’t I once write about the arrogance of world leaders, fighting over little pieces of land with the so-called excuse that the inhabitants of that little piece would benefit from lawfulness? Or perhaps about the troubles in the desert, where ancient cities are torn apart by groups I understand so little of?

As I walk here, I wonder what it is I like to write about. Internet ethics, psychotic murderers, mass hysteria, internal conflicts, adventures in the streets of this town. Love? Minorities? The enormous problems we face without being aware of it? Am I not just writing about my own little world under the pretension of making others’ a better place? Well of course I am.

I put the key in the hole and open the door. I see the old familiar green hall that suffocates me in the same way all my homes once did. Compare it to the open air. I quickly adapt to this place, eat an egg, forget about the contemplation and take on the quest of puzzling with those tiny little scientific words of my second academic paper, in front of a screen that slowly, yet steadily takes my vision away from me.

No breakthrough, no message, just my own little world.


Joining forces

The trip to here was long but fun. A new meeting with Jordi, pizza in the dark, a tent in the forest and self made sounds at the shore. Our host family is a bunch of French loonatics with big hearts and today we slept on a cozy attick, barely bigger than the tent itself. Comawise.

At the start of this session, Mphathelene shared how her family sees her. As a demon. She’s one of the few who fight for sacred sites and values, in spite of christian propaganda. More of her kind parttake. The tears of some have brought the group closer together. Participants listen openly to one another. “I think fundamentalists do most of the harm.” Says Jessica from Massachusets. Jordi and I have had good fun trying to pronounce “Massachusets”. I challenge those present to love their enemies. It’s easy for me to say; I have no enemies, but some people close their eyes and do it briefly.

All people here – some from the remotest tribes – feel deep purpose in this gathering: to experience, share and cherish what is important for us in this life. As long as we focus on that, I don’t believe there is an enemy.


My life consists of phases. There are short, quick phases and there are long phases. They intertwine with time. During the last days, there was a focus phase. Focus phases are characterized by – how unexpected – focus. A very aimed and tensioned state of attention.

Focus expresses itself in many ways. Quick orgasms. A hunters’ mood. Everything needs to have a function. If I’m focussed, I judge people, because I pick out a single aspect of them and just watch that. I am very competitive, eager to play and win games like chess and poker. There should be reason, or I get annoyed.

If I’m focussed, I’m little playful, but instead I push. I push out all the life inside me, through my head and my eyes towards a point in space or thought. As if I scan the worlds. And myself. When I’m focussed I take little parts of myself and enlarge them. I do not look, I pierce. I don’t see, I project. I’m not truely in touch with my friends and loved ones. Focus is a narrow state of mind. Useful, but dangerous if it’s not mastered. Our society is full of it.

Long held focus is a flight from what’s the case. And what is the case? Eternal insecurity in the infinite darkness of the universe? I don’t think so. I think the case is love. But why do we run?