Tag Archives: Heart


This post was written somewhere in June. The situation is different now. I post it anyway, because of the target of this blog: to explore and share myself and society.

Summer is never my best time to write on a regular basis. Right now, I have to sort out my life. I have no house, no real job and no bio-rythm to hold on to. I have stuff lying around in three old homes, two articles to work on, some volunteer work, and a whole bunch of ideas, goals and concerns flying around in my head. I imagine this is how a phanthom must feel.

Friends. they are a pleasure to be around, great people to hang out with, but my relationship with many friends poses pain in my heart, simply because I’m often unable to spend time with them. The same is true for my family and even for my pets. I’m scattered.

The situation I am in faces me with what I consider to be my greatest weakness. I’m lazy. Laziness is just a word, it is my way of understanding that even though I sometimes want to undertake something, I don’t, because I’m stunned. It starts with getting out of bed. Not my thing. So I wander back of into the soft and comfy world of dreams. When I finally leave that, the computer hypnotizes me. This time I really don’t like the trance, so I avoid diving in, doing what I need to do and climbing out. I stick to the surface. To my next thought. But when I arrive at that next thought, my thought is somewhere else again.

And I blame myself for that. When I reach a goal, I barely enjoy it, but when I don’t, I torture myself mentally. By writing this down, I want to solve it. But I can’t. So a part of me blames it on laziness. I might just be confusing things. Man, there is a lot of unknown.


Joining forces

The trip to here was long but fun. A new meeting with Jordi, pizza in the dark, a tent in the forest and self made sounds at the shore. Our host family is a bunch of French loonatics with big hearts and today we slept on a cozy attick, barely bigger than the tent itself. Comawise.

At the start of this session, Mphathelene shared how her family sees her. As a demon. She’s one of the few who fight for sacred sites and values, in spite of christian propaganda. More of her kind parttake. The tears of some have brought the group closer together. Participants listen openly to one another. “I think fundamentalists do most of the harm.” Says Jessica from Massachusets. Jordi and I have had good fun trying to pronounce “Massachusets”. I challenge those present to love their enemies. It’s easy for me to say; I have no enemies, but some people close their eyes and do it briefly.

All people here – some from the remotest tribes – feel deep purpose in this gathering: to experience, share and cherish what is important for us in this life. As long as we focus on that, I don’t believe there is an enemy.

The Art of Talking

“They will probably ask you why you want to leave behind your friends in the Netherlands to work here. Here’s what you should say:”

I’m allergic to this kind of talk. People telling me what to do usually reach the opposite. But this lady has a special place in my heart.

“Tell them that indeed you’ll have to leave many friends and family behind. Tell them that you know that that will hurt. But tell them that this job has caught your heart, and that you have learned that if you follow your heart, things will rearrange around that. When you go there, don’t expect anything. Just enjoy what you see. Go there to meet them, and see who they are. Have fun. Then, the divine part of you will appear, and that’s what they will see.”

It’s not even the words, but the physical power she expresses below them that I admire. This woman knows how to speak honestly, and out of the depths of her self. It’s something I want to learn. But I find it scary somehow to do that for longer than twenty seconds.

Yesterday, on the street, someone told me that I talk too monotonously. To boring. Not enough passion. It’s true that I do. Something holds me back sometimes to show a person who I really am. What? Why?

Why is showing what I feel a complex thing? What sense does that make? No clue. But it’s not over.


On the first day of spring, I sit inside. A part of me wants to stay involved with interesting developments in this country. This will is apparently stronger than the will to enjoy what I have been longing for for months. Or is it the will to get away? Anyway, I’m in a room in Arnhem, where tables are put concentrically. Here, I listen to the words of people who strive for politics from the heart. Take part in them.

Everybody I know who has read the political program of the Partij van Mens en Spirit, written in 2008, feels that this is the first good political party they know. It’s a beautiful set of plans and visions where freedom and the own responsibility are central. Today, we are here to take a first step in the renewal of this program because concrete points rapidly become old fashioned.

Lea is the chairwoman. I’ll have a thorough chat with her tonight, while we enjoy a glass of red wine together. She is a nice middle aged woman with experience in politics and she knows how to lead this small crowd. She listens attentively to the suggestions the public makes in the themes of education, healthcare and food production. Some people have quite peculiar opinions about life and how these themes should be arranged. Interesting experiences. Some lose the point. Lea gently steers them back.

My most burning question is simple: how can a political party be spiritual? Or: how can something spiritual take the form of something as a party? Isn’t politics about power? About poking each others’ eyes out? Leas answer is simple and clear. Politics is a community service. It should aid and facilitate the good existing initiatives in society. A good answer, I’d say. Connected, but with an identity. But this will not be the end of it. Strong as the ideals of this party may be, it’s spiritual approach is its ultimate fragility. I stay curious and will keep observing this from up close.