This post was written somewhere in June. The situation is different now. I post it anyway, because of the target of this blog: to explore and share myself and society.
Summer is never my best time to write on a regular basis. Right now, I have to sort out my life. I have no house, no real job and no bio-rythm to hold on to. I have stuff lying around in three old homes, two articles to work on, some volunteer work, and a whole bunch of ideas, goals and concerns flying around in my head. I imagine this is how a phanthom must feel.
Friends. they are a pleasure to be around, great people to hang out with, but my relationship with many friends poses pain in my heart, simply because I’m often unable to spend time with them. The same is true for my family and even for my pets. I’m scattered.
The situation I am in faces me with what I consider to be my greatest weakness. I’m lazy. Laziness is just a word, it is my way of understanding that even though I sometimes want to undertake something, I don’t, because I’m stunned. It starts with getting out of bed. Not my thing. So I wander back of into the soft and comfy world of dreams. When I finally leave that, the computer hypnotizes me. This time I really don’t like the trance, so I avoid diving in, doing what I need to do and climbing out. I stick to the surface. To my next thought. But when I arrive at that next thought, my thought is somewhere else again.
And I blame myself for that. When I reach a goal, I barely enjoy it, but when I don’t, I torture myself mentally. By writing this down, I want to solve it. But I can’t. So a part of me blames it on laziness. I might just be confusing things. Man, there is a lot of unknown.