Tag Archives: Men

As a man, I am involved

The organic campaign #metoo has taken many shapes and spheres as it moved from Weinsteins cases of rape to denouncing and confessing to sexual harassment and intimidation in general. The movement has become so multifaceted that it has become hard to fathom and even harder to criticize. But there’s one thing it seems to agree on: society should no longer tolerate men’s behaviours. We men have to change. In the past week, I have felt threatened by the tone of some of the exclamations that have passed my screens. I’ve been confused about whether and how I should look at female people on the street. I’m concerned about the polarizing effect this discussion seems to have. And especially about the slippery slope of equalizing lust-inspired acts to rape.

First a step back
Okay let’s go back to the positive side of #metoo. Many women have resisted the urge to declare their experience of rape to the police. The ruling power structures, as well as their own beliefs and other individual reasons have withheld them from claiming their rights. Society has discouraged them to do so. This week, through a somewhat anonymous outlet, they can air some of the remnant frustration and, more importantly, display the omnipresence of the problem to those man enough to look into the gaping wound. It’s indeed important that people feel the confidence to act against such violence. And that people don’t perform it, or let it happen around them.

Let’s not forget the elephant in the room
Looking at our actions, we are collectively largely ignoring climate change and associated manmade ecological collapse. If society breaks into chaos because of these, women as well as men will experience a state of existence that offers less space for safety. And more for rape. These impacts cannot be stressed enough, and have to be mentioned also in this context. We are trying to move to a better world, so we all have to deal with climate change. And keep building society together.

At some point, men started answering #metoo with #Ihave and #Iwill. Confessions. Online promises. Sometimes quite mundane in my view, sometimes clear disclosures of criminal acts. Audacious, but not a proper substitute for turning yourself in. Then, people saying ‘men’ should not make this discussion about themselves. This was about women who were raped. Here’s where I went: “What? Why are we not allowed to be part of the conversation?”

A point followed, I guess, where we have to do our best and look through social media and their slaves from journalism to see what is really happening. But what is really happening? Is this a new wave of feminism? Where does it want to head to? Not being raped? Good, but how? Is this a new kind of anti-terrorist movement that wants to accuse a large group of innocent people for the acts of some very guilty ones?

The status quo
For me personally, there’s nothing I think I should admit. Sure, I’ve played the game. I’ve looked, I’ve touched, I’ve joked around. But I haven’t threatened, raped or harassed anyone in a way that clearly bothered them. I also check, sometimes, if everyone is still comfortable with the group dynamics. And yes, I have noticed ambiguity among women and wished they would be more expressive about it.

Yet let’s not forget that sexual or semi-sexual acts occur in the context of personal relationships. They should always be seen that way. I don’t think it serves a purpose to reframe acts of the past and deny this relationship. And if I may speak for other men as well: to us, the status quo here in the Netherlands is quite allright. Not the street harrasments, those are wrong, but the general atmosphere at work, on the street and at parties. If you look at history, we have reached quite a good spot. Not perfect, but quite good.

It creeps in on you
One of the best stories I read these days was in Dutch by Bregje Hofstede of De Correspondent. She explained how being grabbed under her skirt has made her live more reluctantly. It reminded me of the time I was blindfolded in the back of a taxi in Peru. Not that time itself. I think I managed to keep myself toghether quite well there. No. Afterwards. Looking behind my shoulder all the time. Not going through parks on my own by night. Heigtened vigilance. A reduction of the extent of your world, Bregje called it. I tell myself that it’s wisdom. Knowledge by experience. Knowing the danger. She sees it as men taking her freedom from her. She feels afraid, now, when men look at her intensely.

Even if I fully understand the feeling she descibes, and I acknowledge such events occur more often to her than to me, something inside me turns bitter when I hear these views. We are now in an era that is safer then ever. More luxurious than ever. There are disagreements on how to approach the other gender, but aren’t those what makes life interesting? What makes love interesting? The act of exploring each others boundaries.

Power struggles
Women are now teaching men that we cannot know what it’s like to be a women. True. And women cannot know what it’s like to be a man either. It is us who generally have to play the leading role when breaking the physical barrier. Not always, but most of the time. And, yes, we make mistakes with that, but if we don’t try, we don’t get laid. Or married. Not all people have the same level of perception when it comes to body language, nor are all people equally expressive when it comes to things they do or do not want. Not everyone is equally sensitive. So yes, mistakes occur, but that does not make the intent bad. I think framing or perceiving it that way is harmful.

But we men have an excellent grasp of what fear can be. All of us, men and women, are contributing, daily, to the accumulation of dark acts that is happening all over the place. Being forced to do things we do not necessarily agree with is a society-wide phenomenon. Whether it is out of insecurities, strategic career choices, or because we are being pushed pysically or emotionally, this concerns us all. Where #metoo becomes more vicious, is where it denies our common ground. And it shouldn’t. Men don’t need to take these wild accusations.

Can we move forward?
The way this hashtag unfolds does not help the conversation; I think we’re rather arriving in a deadlock. Not the idea of the hashtag, that’s good, but the way people are treating it. As if there needs to be retaliation. As if we should move towards a world where men and women avoid touching each other altogether. No. Let’s move towards a place where we see the sexual tension for what it really is. A role we play. Just like everything else. A role we need not get too caught up in. And yes, respect each other, like most women and most men have always done. Something that can be joyful. Let’s see this as a call, yes, to better education for everyone where that failed. But let’s also cherish the freedoms we have acquired. We are in this together. And we are not in a time and a place where we can use more division.

So let’s all keep talking.


When I say pride, you say … ?

I’ve been wanting to write this one for a while, partially because homosexuality is hot, but also because I feel the need to contribute to the discussion and because I like to walk on thin ice.

When it concerns the gay, there is much to say and even more to say wrong. To avoid confusion, I’ll start with my own position (isn’t it strange that one can speak about a position towards gays?). I have several close gay relatives. I have kissed several guys for fun, and had to conclude girls are better kissers. I have been offered gay sex on several occasions, but I was disgusted by the idea, so I respectfully declined. I was present at the last gay pride parade in Amsterdam, and though I enjoyed the boats, I think the whole thing became pretty lousy after six. Biologically speaking, being gay makes little sense to me, but I have no problem with gay marriage, because it has economical and psychological benefits for some. At occasions, however, I can be quite annoyed by gay extravaganza. I don’t think many gays are like this, but they do spoil it a little for the rest.

That said, I have a problem with people who publically come up for homosexuals while heaving no idea what is going on. Gays are the new Jews sometimes. Russia for example, is not much different from the way the West was fifty years ago. It’s easy to judge the Russians because they have people in power with priorities we don’t understand. But how many gay defenders would not experience a moment of deception when their kid comes out of the closet? Imagine looking into your parents’ eyes and seeing that lack of understanding for something as beautiful as being in love. Those who fight hardest are probably the ones who have not accepted it. Be honest to yourself and ask: how would you react?

We cannot change Russian politics, just like they can not change the sexual preference of their people. Being pro-gay is similar to being anti-gay. In both cases, people are trying to change a sensitive feeling with pressure. Such acceptance needs time. One who has fully accepted gays does not fight in their favour either. Ultimately, the only healthy state is open. Neutral. No position. Every person has his peculiarities.

Gays don’t own the rainbow. We all do.

On a bench in the park

“Don’t I know you?” I ask the man on the bench. “Well you look familiar, aren’t you the artist who worked in Osdorp?” He answers. “No, but I helped him.”

He’s a small, bold, North African fellow. His face has dwarf attributes, but he has no beard. It is a beautiful day in the Rembrandtpark, where I’m taking pictures for a one month taking litter research. It doesn’t take long before he tells me that his father died a few weeks ago. When he asks what I do, I tell him that I’m looking for work.

“We should be grateful for what we have. Nowadays people in the top believe that they have got there by themselves. People believe that they own everything, that they can control nature. But who has given them nature? Did you see, with the crisis? Many millionaires who thought they were safe, suddenly lost everything. God gives you everything and he could take it away just as quickly.”

He tells me that the Qur’an and the Bible essentially talk about the same thing. “But the New Testament is nonsense. How can Jesus be the son of God? God is too big to have mortal children! These books are not written by God, they were written by prophets. God is to big to write books!” I’d like to recommend him to read the Hitchhiker’s guide to the Galaxy, but I don’t want to brutally interrupt his stream of words.

“Hell is worse than you can imagine. One tiny little bit of hellflame” he makes a spark sized shape with his fingers “would burn the whole earth! And heaven! That is so incredibly beautiful, man, you cannot even think of it” I’m getting the association of a little boy who is full of his new toy. “The Angels there are so big… One has a sword that is bigger than the earth! And it’s good that we don’t see them, too. We’d go insane! If one angel would live among us on earth, all men would abandon their women and go after her!”

After about twenty minutes, I manage to detach and proceed. Intriguing kind, the religious.